Respect is a Two-Way Street
. . . And not just unilateral. This is why it requires trust. Social responsibility, communication, and honesty are important components of building respect, but without the safety of trust, they become fragile and vulnerable to other socioeconomic factors blowing in the wind.
I am consistently amazed when people question my assertion that I am a feminist. I was born into a female body with a mind that is congruous to that gender identification. My definition of feminism involves recognizing and advocating for equality in pursuit of happiness on behalf of those of us who define ourselves along the female spectrum, including myself. Why would I not wish to be happy? Why would I not want to decrease societal barriers for those who identify like me?
The most obvious answer, once I get past my own naivete, is that people are afraid that advocating for women subjugates the rights of men. More than outrage at the audacity of a coup attempt, to subvert the patriarchal system in the United States, or the belief that I deserve to be punished because I’ve failed to live up to gender stereotypes assigned me at birth, the deepest, underlying fear held by too many otherwise well-meaning folks is that by elevating one gender, the other must suffer.
My response is that I challenge the game, not the players. If I truly believe in diversity, if I think that we all matter, that what we bring to the table is a feast which cannot be duplicated without our collective participation, then I have to accept that switching positions on the chess board without addressing the dynamics behind the strategies won’t resolve the core issue of respect between the two largest human factions in existence. Basically, if women deserve equal rights, so do men, and integrity compels me to carve out space for both.
I could ask men to step up their game for the greater good, to speak out on behalf of their lovers, their children, their parents, and their friends who are female when they see equal rights to social and economic opportunities abrogated. I could say that by helping women break free from feminine stereotypic bonds, men can break free more readily from their own stereotypes. However, when I do ask, I understand that speaking out places men in a vulnerable position. We could not have such a strong gender hegemony if so many of us from both sides of the fence weren’t actively engaged participants in the process. The cultures that nurture us also hide strong poison in their crevices.
One challenge comes from sorting through whom to trust and how much. Reputations are judged, and our relationships and livelihoods put at stake when we take any stance, much less one that carries a complicated and intertwined baggage of history and culture. Gender stereotypes may be enforced in myriad ways, overt and under the radar, for almost as many reasons. Sometimes, enforcement isn’t out of malice. Sometimes, people truly believe that following the prescriptions keeps us safe. Other times, people simply lack the vision to understand why the issue exists. If a particular gender role comes naturally, feels like a good fit, why pursue the notion that it might not work for everybody? Life is busy enough without adding extraneous agendas!
This leads me back full circle. Respect is a two-way street. We give and we get, and we build on trust. Trust comes in small steps, accumulating sequentially to larger staircases being climbed.
I will take the first step. My act of trust goes thusly: as a feminist, I care about women, how they think and feel. Part of that experience is honestly facing the reality that the opinions and ideas of men in my life matter. To me personally. Therefore, I will strive to keep an open mind and practice generosity while I learn to negotiate for new rules. I realize a dialogue won’t come easily. We will make mistakes (myself included). Leave conversations unfinished. But little is to be gained from half measures and flawed assumptions, so we may as well invest ourselves fully in building a trust that affects change.
