Earned Trust
What to Expect from Trust Developed Authentically over Time and through Intention
Trust shouldn’t come easily or quickly. A knock-off variety, masquerading under the same name, exists out there in the universe and does come fast — or gets lopped off at the roots. This version operates on a binary premise, like a coin toss, signaling all-in or all-out. It’s fast, easy, and flashy, and extremely efficient about keeping the price tag hidden until the contract has been signed. Ultimately, the counterfeit version of trust costs much more than it gives back. The real deal, however, compounds in value even while it takes time, energy, and intention to develop. It’s a process not an action. In the unfolding, genuine trust gives back the best of us to ourselves, and it builds a bridge to another person, place, thing, or idea that makes both stronger at the connection.
Discriminating between the Real and Fake Versions of Trust
“Trust me,” says the one who is willing to sell us anything from a car to healthcare. Mostly, when the approach is that direct or that explicitly contextual — like we are standing in the used car sales lot with the sales person — we know enough to be wary. The occasions in which the demand for trust comes more disguised or gets inserted into other aspects of our lives may be trickier to navigate. For instance, we meet somebody and we want to know if we can trust them to be a friend, a lover, or somebody with whom we can invest in a business partnership.
Each of these relationships carries a lot of weight. Based solely on that factor, a lot of advice has been generated in print and online to determine who is trustworthy, and who isn’t. A person can mine technology to discover five tips for knowing if somebody could be the love of their life. Alternatively, a person can use the same methods to learn five red flags that help spot a narcissist (or anyone who is toxic in a relationship).
While there are occasions in which determining a person’s trustworthiness is an up-front case, people probably shouldn’t rest in their reliance on those initially observed positive qualities or red-flag behaviors. Some people are incredibly charming. They’ve spent lifetimes perfecting the art of appearance, and their audience is usually operating in real-life mode. Most people conduct cursory examinations of others because they are already occupied by the competing demands of daily life. Guess what? The charmers count on that distraction.
In other situations, people may show up as less than their shiniest versions because of miscommunication or the stuff that is going on in their lives. They can seem difficult or oppositional when they challenge others. For instance, a person who is dealing with the death of a loved one from alcohol-related problems might not be in the mood to endorse a party where the wine flows freely — but also might not feel up to explaining their lack of enthusiasm. As a result of complexity, and due to the myriad of both positive and negative factors affecting presentation, building trust is best viewed as a long game.
When Trust is a High-Stakes Game
On a personal note, in my own work with people who have experienced serious mental illnesses, have been challenged by behavioral health issues, and often are struggling just to keep housing (let alone access to critical resources such as food, medical care, etc.), there is a strong desire that comes across like a need to be able to trust somebody who is supposedly in a position to help. Trust, in these cases, is a huge consideration at the forefront of the relationship.
Clients of social services and healthcare ask themselves, is this particular helper going to be a hero or villain in my world? Can they perform miracles and smooth the hard way ahead, or will they raise obstructions and delays, preventing me from meeting my basic and critical needs in a timely fashion if at all? The truth is, nobody out there in the social services or healthcare industries is likely to be either extreme — all-good or all-bad. Each professional helper is just another human being with corresponding strengths and skills, and also with weaknesses and flaws. Moreover, catch a helper who is tired, distracted, and coming down with a cold or allergies — and you’ll notice the response is less likely to be optimal than if the same helper is at the top of their form.
To be clear, a warning ought to accompany the paragraph above. Not all people in what ought to be the more altruistically inclined professions have healthy personalities or good characters. Just as in the general population, while most are trying to behave well, some helpers in the systems can be very toxic or broken. By the same token, a few will operate in the opposite fashion, and be very trustworthy, kind, and effective. Building trust over the long term takes the spectrum of helpers into account and ultimately, advances the self-sufficiency of clients.
Constructing Trust Step by Step
Granted, the stakes in the helping professions between clients and their workers are higher than they will be in other contexts. Regardless, there is a seed to be found in discernment that applies broadly to all sorts of trust-influenced relationships. Essentially, instead of focusing outward on others’ trustworthiness, I would recommend people put themselves and their needs in the forefront. That’s not always easy — especially when people have learned from life that their judgment or concerns aren’t rewarded — but evaluating information from the perspective of the self is highly possible. It is something that is, or at one time was, inherent in each of us.
Building trust starts by regarding the person on the other side of the equation with skepticism. Skepticism is ruled by logic (hopefully) or at the very least, by thoughtfulness. It’s key to determining the potential of building material that will be used in constructing relationships. Skepticism is the sieve used by discernment, which combines knowledge and experience in decision making.
Using the thinking process rather than emotional responses as the foundation for building trust, may seem counterintuitive. It is — and it’s not. Emotions matter and are part of the logical filtering process. Considering whether the person being judged comes across as repulsive or attractive is a valid factor to be factored in the process. Trust intuition. In addition, be sure to include other factors in the final analysis. Allow these other factors to be related to the consequences of people’s actions. The sum total of everything is where the scales will fall.
Building trust starts small and light. It can initially be as simple as matters of common courtesy — including punctuality and civility, for example. The load gets heavier as the relationship shows it can bear the weight. It will gradually include emotional commitments as well as physical and mental ones. The process from light to heavier evaluations can appear something like this:
- Can the person in question for trustworthiness show up when they say they will? The answer is to be found if they make and keep appointments when and how they said they would. If they break appointments, do they explain why, and is the explanation a valid or reasonable one in view of a particular situation and as shown to be part of an emerging pattern.
- Does the person make the effort to communicate clearly regarding pertinent matters? Do they try to explain their understanding of a situation — and strive to ensure that the same for the other party? If either party feels confused, can they address it, and does the other party take sufficient time and effort in an honest attempt to clarify them? Or does one person blow off concerns or act as if they are invalid?
- As time passes and more privately held information is confided in the context of a relationship, will the recipient of that information manage it with respect and care? As if they have a sense of what it means to the one who divulged it? And act in accordance with that valuation?
- Over time as the relationship is growing, can both parties act in a way that aligns with a mindfulness of their own selves and with what they have learned about the other party’s needs and desires? This ability to balance both concepts is especially relevant when the parties in the relationship are involved in making decisions with real-life consequences for both or either one of them.
Benefits of Building Trust
Trust takes time — measured in years more than days. And energy. And initiative. The development is hard to show on a movie screen — or over social media. This is why the knock-off version is so prevalent in those domains. Attraction is fun, and instant romance — love at first sight — is as gratifying as succumbing to dessert when it’s there and alluring, and a person’s stomach is signaling hunger. Eating a nourishing meal — or engaging in a nourishing relationship built on trust — may be simple and easy at the onset, taking only a bit of planning and execution like a simple salad, but both activities can also take up a greater share of personal resources.
The thing about relationships is that they need continual investment or they wither. Trust isn’t once-and-done. It is a significant aspect of a healthy relationship, and relationships require life. Inert matter doesn’t aspire to relationships.
Understanding this aspect of relationships shows us where the benefits of building trust lie. Involving trust in a relationship will not make it any more eye catching than it already is. There is no dazzle factor associated with trust that contributes to a relationship’s appearance. It’s all about the work.
However, trust does lead to good elements within the relationship, between the parties involved, and this shows up beautifully in the appropriate circumstances. Trust contributes to respect. Trust contributes to allegiance and loyalty. Most of all, trust is the window sill of the soul’s house. Where there is trust, the window can be thrown wide, and the sunshine let inside. We get to see the best of each other in the relationships where trust is established, and we shine. This may be apparent to outsiders, and if they care, it will feel good to them as well.
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